


So Far Gone

by lynnthinksurcool13



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: (I feel weird about using that tag for this situation but it sort of applies? maybe?), (extra tag just in case), AU where Dan never got over his depression in college, Ambiguous Relationship, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Possibly Pre-Slash, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Spring 2015, discussion of self-harm, i guess, love and support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 14:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7365694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnthinksurcool13/pseuds/lynnthinksurcool13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p> There was supposed to be a Grump Session this afternoon. But then Dan had lost track of time.</p>
  <p>    <em>You son of a bitch, you're running late AGAIN.</em><br/></p>
</blockquote><br/>Dan's brain is not his friend today.<p>(Heads up: this fic goes into the mind of someone with depression, including thoughts of self-hate and self-harm ideation. Please be cautious about reading this if you ever struggle with any of the above. I care about you, and I want you to feel good ♥)</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Far Gone

Dan's foot drilled a high tempo into the floor as his knee bounced uncontrollably. 

He jammed the home button of his phone to see the time, even though he'd checked the clock on his computer less than a minute before. His lock screen showed that he had 3 unread text messages from Arin, from as recently as 14 minutes ago. 

If he left right now he'd be over 2 hours late. But he hadn't even gotten dressed yet. His knee picked up its pace as he turned his attention back to Reddit. 

He'd been scrolling down various subreddits for hours. He wasn't even reading the posts anymore, just staring at the screen and trying not to think about the mess he'd gotten himself into today. 

There was supposed to be a Grump Session this afternoon. Barry had offered him a seat in Ross's car earlier, since the two of them were going to record a couple hours of Steam Train before lunch. Dan hadn't felt like getting dressed and he didn't technically have to be at the office yet anyway, so he'd said no. 

But then he'd lost track of time. The next time Dan had glanced at the clock, it was 5 minutes after he'd planned to start getting ready. 

_You son of a bitch, you're running late AGAIN._

He'd been staring at the clock in the corner of his screen, trying to figure out what parts of his routine weren't essential so he could make up for the lost time. But all he could think about was that he'd been late to four out of the last five Grump Sessions, to the point where Arin pretty much expected it from him now, and about how _fucked up_ it was that he was late so often because he _loved_ Grumping with Arin and he was way too fucking old to still be incapable of getting places on time and—

It wasn't a conscious decision. Dan just wanted to stop thinking. So he went back to Reddit. 

And here he was almost two hours later, as his phone buzzed with a fourth text from Arin. Dan ignored that one too. _You are such an asshole, a fucking piss-poor excuse of a friend_. 

Dan let his head fall back against the couch. He was getting kind of hungry again – he'd ignored the morning's wave of hunger until it went away – but the thought of getting up, walking to the kitchen, figuring out what to prepare and then going through all the required motions just made him want to lie down instead. 

Also, the kitchen had knives. 

Part of him knew he shouldn't hurt himself. But another part was strategizing, thinking of all the places on his body where a bandage would go unnoticed. 

Once he got into the kitchen, the rest would be easy.

_Well, go on then, if you're really so fucking 'depressed.' This is exactly what you're supposed to do at times like this, right?_

Dan lost track of time again, staring at the ceiling, trying to fight the urge to press a knife blade against all the places where his skin was prickling. His phone rang. It was a Starbomb song – Arin's ringtone. Danny didn't move. 

Eventually he got tired of fighting. Instead he started thinking about how many paper towels were left, what size band-aids they had, which knife Barry was the least likely to notice was out of place. It all seemed fairly doable. With no resistance left in him, Danny dragged himself to his feet. 

He jumped at the sudden knock at the apartment door. "Dan? You in there?" The voice was muffled, but it was definitely Arin's. Dan heard the jangle of keys. 

_Fuck._ He'd given Arin a spare key in case of emergencies, but this was not the kind of emergency he'd had in mind. 

As the key hit the lock, Dan dove back onto the couch and rolled into the back cushions to hide his face. He was not ready for the conversation Arin wanted to have. 

"Danny, I'm coming in," Arin warned, opening the door slowly. Dan took a moment to try to slow down his breathing so he sounded less panicked and more asleep. 

The couch was visible from the front door, but Arin didn't say anything more as he came in. Danny heard the sound of the door closing, of Arin's slow footsteps to the front of the couch. 

"Hey, Bud," Arin finally said. Dan couldn't decipher his tone. 

He'd come all the way over here and Danny was ignoring him, just like he'd ignored him all day on the phone. _You are such a piece of shit._

"Hey, look at me," Arin tried. 

Dan didn’t move, still hoping Arin would give up. 

"I'm not going to leave just because you're pretending to be asleep." Danny felt his heart sink even further. He pressed himself deeper into the back of the couch, wishing he could just disappear into the cracks between the cushions so he wouldn't have to deal with this situation. 

Arin's weight on the couch behind him made Dan's heart race anxiously. "I wouldn't go anywhere even if you actually _were_ asleep, anyway," he said gently. Danny felt a hand slide down his arm, following it to his hands where he'd shoved them underneath the cushions in front of him, one set of fingernails digging viciously into his other forearm. He let Arin detach his death grip and lace their fingers together, resting their joined hands on Dan's hip. The skin-to-skin contact helped decrease the churning in Dan's stomach. Dan remembered how to breathe. 

"I'm not mad, or annoyed, or irritated." Arin started trailing his free hand across Danny's scalp and through his hair. Dan tried to slow his breathing to match the pace of the sensations. "I know you would've made it into the office if you could," Arin continued. "Sometimes your brain won't let you. I get that, dude, I seriously do. It's not your fault." 

Danny's grip tightened on Arin's hand as he clung to what he'd just heard. It wasn't his fault. Arin wasn't mad. He made himself review what Arin had said, just to make sure he had it right.

Except, Dan's brain could find plenty of reasons why Arin _should_ be mad. "But... No, our backlog of episodes is almost gone, and— and this was the only day we'd have to record for a whole week, and—" 

"Shh, it's alright," Arin started. 

"It's _not_ alright," Danny continued, pressing his face further into the cushions, not caring how it would muffle his voice even more. "We're gonna run out of episodes to post and there's gonna be fuckin' _whole days_ without any Game Grumps episodes and the fans are gonna be so mad—" 

"Hey come on, look at me." Arin tugged on his shoulder to pull him over onto his back. Danny tried to avoid eye contact, but gave up when Arin touched his chin and turned his head to face him. He felt so vulnerable under Arin's gaze, but he didn't look away, taking in a shaky breath instead. "Fuck the fans, man, Game Grumps can wait." Danny couldn't help searching for some sign that Arin was lying. "You are way more important to me. I just want you to be okay." 

All Dan could find in Arin's eyes were sincerity, concern, and something else that made his breath catch in his throat for a second. He scrunched his eyes shut and sucked in a breath, trying to keep himself from falling apart even more, trying to fight the prickle in his nose that warned of impending tears. 

Arin didn't care that he'd fucked up. He only cared about Dan. 

Dan had another urge to burrow somewhere. He grabbed a fistful of the T-shirt fabric stretched over Arin's chest and tugged downwards. Arin took the hint, and shifted on the couch until he was lying down. Dan immediately rolled into his side, burying his face in the hollow of Arin's shoulder. 

"Nuh-uh, we can do better than that," Arin complained, worming his arm underneath Dan. "C'mere," he said, as he wrapped both arms around Danny and heaved him onto his chest. 

At first, Danny felt a little flare of panic in his stomach – he was way too exposed, way too vulnerable, he wanted to go back to being protected on three sides by couch cushions and Arin – but when Arin settled down with both of his arms around Dan, one hand going up to play with his hair again, Dan felt the bubbling anxiety start to recede. He remembered his breathing trick: breathe out as much as possible, pushing all the anxiety out; breathe in slowly, in this case filling his lungs with as much of Arin's scent as he could; hold it, count to ten; breathe out slowly, nice and easy. He felt some of the tension go out of his muscles, relaxing even more as he laid his head on Arin's shoulder, forehead up against his neck. 

"There we go," Arin said, nuzzling Dan's head with his cheek. "Just where I like you." His arms tightened around Danny for a moment. 

With every stroke of Arin's hand through his hair, Dan found it a little easier to quiet his mind and ignore the voice that had been yelling at him all morning. Without letting himself question it, he tilted his head back until his lips and nose were pressed against Arin's neck. He took a deep, slow breath, savoring the feeling of safety. Arin hummed contentedly. 

After a while, Dan angled his face just enough so that his lips had room to speak. "Why did you come?" 

Arin ran his other hand up and down Dan's back while he spoke. "I thought maybe you were sleeping, but I just got this bad feeling you weren't okay. And when Barry said you'd seemed a little... low-energy this morning...." Arin shrugged his free shoulder. "I had to make sure." 

Dan nodded against Arin's neck and gripped the T-shirt underneath him. "You uh.... You kinda got here just in time, cuz I was just about to let a knife get all cozy with my skin." Dan had hoped that joking about it would make his admission less of a shock. From the way Arin's hand immediately stilled in his hair, he guessed that he'd been wrong. 

It took Arin a moment to respond. "...Okay, I know this is a stupid question, but... Do you know why?" 

Now it was Danny's turn to shrug. "Really strong urge. Got too exhausting to fight it."

"Mmm," Arin hummed with something like understanding. He opened his mouth to speak again, but paused, his fingers tightening around the loose ends of Dan's hair. "...And had you ever... before?"

"Not... with a knife," Dan said quietly. "But sometimes other stuff, pretty minor. Got creative with a candle once. Well, candle wax."

"How long ago was that?" Arin asked, tilting his face toward Dan's room as if he'd be able to see whether there were still any candles in it.

Danny tried to think back, but all the weeks had blurred together in his memory. "Uh.... How long ago did we film Guild Grumps?"

"That was, like... six weeks ago?"

Dan nodded, and gripped Arin's t-shirt. "So about six weeks ago, then." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips against Arin's neck again, to ground himself. He hated reliving this shit.

Arin seemed to sense that, because all he did was squeeze Dan a little tighter and turn to press a kiss to his head. "Well I've got you now," he whispered. "I'll try to check in on you more often. Would that be cool with you?"

As good as Arin's intentions were, his suggestion made Dan's heart sink. "Arin, you really don't have to do that, I don't wanna—"

"Shut up, you are _not_ a burden," Arin said firmly. "I'm happy to talk to my best friend more, anyway."

Dan pressed his head against Arin's shoulder as if he could burrow all the way through him with enough effort. "Thanks," he whispered. 

They lay there for a few minutes in comfortable silence, Arin periodically shifting the placement of his hands until they got to Dan's sides, where he launched a surprise tickle attack. 

Dan squealed and burst out laughing, squirming helplessly against Arin for a moment before licking a thick, wet trail up Arin's neck. "Agh, dude!" Arin yelled, jerking his head away.

Dan laughed and raised his head to look at him, hair falling around his face. "Got you to stop tickling me, though." 

They giggled at each other for a second more. Dan pressed a small kiss to the tip of Arin's nose, and touched their foreheads together. "Thanks, Arin." 

Arin grinned. "Naw dude, thank _you_ for the Dan Snuggles, they are always a treat." He squeezed his arms tighter around Dan's waist for emphasis.

Danny giggled and laid his head on Arin's shoulder again. "Yeah, the snuggles are pretty nice. Even though you smell weird."

"What can I say, man, I like me some Taco Bell."

"Uh huh, _that's_ what it is."

Arin snorted and reached for something on the coffee table. "Well, whenever you've had your fill of my amazing manly musk—" He held up a video game box for Dan to see. 

"Kirby's Epic Yarn? But I thought that got lost in the Great Grump Space Relocation-capades of 2014!" 

"Yeah it totally did, but apparently someone sent us another copy at some point? And I had just been keeping it at home, but it's way less fun without you."

Dan smiled into Arin's neck. "Oh I am _totally_ gonna kick your ass this time."

"Nuh-uh, dude, it's gonna be _me_ dancing at the end of every level. _Every level!_ "

"Yeah, we're gonna fuckin' see about that. I'd make a bet but I'm too lazy to think of what the payment would be."

"Five more nose kisses," Arin said immediately.

"What?"

"Five nose kisses! If you win at least one level, I'll kiss you on the nose five times, but if I win at least one level, _you_ have to kiss _me_."

"Arin," Dan said, giggling, "I'm pretty sure we'd both end up winning at least one level."

"Well _whatever_ , it's nose kisses! Are you in, or not?"

Dan laughed. "I'm in, I'm in! Later though. For now I guess I should probably eat."

"Oh dude, I _totally_ got you covered, I've got sushi delivery on speed dial."

"Of course you do," Dan said, nuzzling Arin's chest as he reached for his phone. He took a deep breath, and exhaled, smiling. His brain was finally calm.

_You are so loved._

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a lyric from [the Skyhill song "Afterglow"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJSmJUpjEZw).
> 
> Playing [Kirby's Epic Yarn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKr5ey_gRX4&list=PLRQGRBgN_EnpuXep5TztND3rjz6iKf0Jy) always seemed to cheer Dan up, and ditto with [golf games](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GC7ZzldD4EE&list=PLRQGRBgN_EnoljsUqVONIi0jneqaM3zzV).
> 
> Go watch something cute and/or funny after all this sad stuff! My go-to for laughs is the Grumps' [Battle Kid series](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB8vd5J4NWQ&list=PLRQGRBgN_Eno_zODJi5HxUSrbzmEQ6046), especially episode 3. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, friends. This was the first fic I've written in years in addition to being my first in this fandom, so let me know if it seems out of character anywhere. Have a wonderful day, and never forget that you are loved <3


End file.
